For those of you who missed the #DeForestKelley Q&A sessions on January 10th and June 11th, here’s a treasure trove for you: all of my answers to fans’ questions, all in one place, including the name of the fan who asked each question. ENJOY! (Thank you to Lisa Twining Taylor and Rod Janpol for your help in getting these off Facebook and into a workable document for me to fiddle with!)
Book Launch Sunday 1-10-16 Q & A
Kristine M Smith
Today (Sunday) from noon to three Pacific Time I plan to be here pretty much non-stop to answer any questions you have about #DeForestKelley.
If you’ve read the book already, are there any follow-up questions you want to have answered?
If you haven’t read the book yet, that’s okay, too. Ask away! I will be happy to answer any pressing (but REASONABLE) questions. (…just so you know I have boundaries!)
John Bowersox What was his favorite meal?
Kristine M Smith I don’t know his favorite meal but his traditional New Year’s Day meal was ham and black-eyed peas. On pages 262 and 263 of FROM SAWDUST TO STARDUST, Terry Rioux’s bio of De, there is a recipe for De’s Peas, believed to bring good luck to the new year. http://www.amazon.com/From-Sawdust-Stardust…/dp/0743457625
Stephen Sandberg Hi Kristine. What Trek movie or TV episode was De’s favorite?
Kristine M Smith De’s favorite Trek movie was The Voyage Home. His favorite episode was City on the Edge of Forever.
Re: City on the Edge of Forever: consider this: a doctor (who also was falling for Edith Keeler) preventing Kirk from saving her life. Many layers to consider, here. (The Physician’s Oath is “Do No Harm.)
John Bowersox Those are my favorites too. My favorite part is when he gave that old woman a new kidney: http://youtu.be/a3SpPgkHaZc
Star Trek IV The Voyage Home: Hospital Scene
Kristine M Smith Yeah! That was sooooo De, too! He really wished that hypo-spray worked. He spent three days at the bedside of a 10-year old terminally ill fan in Denver one time. His parents said it was just the greatest gift he could have given. But it half-killed De; he sooo wanted to be able to cure him and send him home!
John Bowersox What was the most embarrassing moment De ever pulled on you?
Kristine M Smith The most embarrassing moment De ever pulled on me? I guess the first one, when we reconnected for the first time in 18 years, when he introduced me from the stage as an author he launched… in Spokane, WA in 1988. The next most embarrassing was public, too, when he introduced me as “Krazy Kris” (an inside joke) at a LA convention. Then there was the time he grabbed my knee in the car on the way to Shambala I just about went through the roof because we were still very new to each other (other than being “penpals”) at that time.
John Bowersox Did he ever sick of hearing I’m a doctor not a fill-in-the-blank ?
Kristine M Smith Not that I ever heard. He never mentioned being sick of anything related to Star Trek or Doctor McCoy. He DID wish more people would crossover and see his many westerns, though. Seeing him (pre-McCoy) as a rowdy cowboy (heavy) at first got him rejected by the network to play the role of McCoy. No one at the network believed he would be believable as a good guy! Gene Roddenberry knew better…
Stephen Sandberg Was it difficult for De to act out the ethnic insults at Spock? Trek dealt with bigotry when that was not done at the time
Kristine M Smith De didn’t mention finding it hard to act out the ethnic insults to Spock. Speaking for myself ONLY now, as a viewer, I never considered them ethnic insults; I always felt that McCoy was trying to get Spock to feel and embrace his human half (and get a rise out of him) when he poked at him like that. I thought this because I believed that in the 21st century all of the ‘ethnic stuff’ wouldn’t be as big a stain on the human brain has been during our time… so I just took it as good-natured razzing of IDIC–infinite diversity in infinite combinations. “Yeah, we’re different, but our intrinsic needs and desires are largely the same.” Kinda like calling a redhead “Red” or a curly-haired guy “Curly”; recognizing a unique feature with a kind of fondness. De as a human being was as accepting of differences as it is possible to be in this day and age. Paul Winfield, who played Captain Terrell (sp?) said of De that he was the only southerner he had ever met who seemed wholly without prejudice. De kept that quote in his wallet until he died. It meant a lot to him. His father, a preacher, also preached at black churches the fourth Sunday of every month, and De came along, and he had black childhood friends. You’ll read a little bit about that in my book. He tried to go back after Trek to help out (financially) a black family that he knew well and whose son he grew up with, but he couldn’t find them, sadly.
Westerns of De’s to be sure to catch: Apache Uprising, The Law and Jake Wade, Warlock, Gunfight at OK Corral (OK, De was a good guy in the movie, but catch him as Ike Clanton in the You Are There TV series episode about the Gunfight at OK Corral and you’ll see the range of his bad-ass cowboy acting.)
Most “bad guys” consider themselves “lovable” by rationalizing their brutal behavior as somehow “justified”–De’s great acting was due to the fact that he recognized and played with that aspect of his rowdy cowboy characters.
John Bowersox I just know for a time Nimoy hated being known as Spock. I sure miss Leonard Nimoy.
Kristine M Smith I do, too.
Beth Wendy Grundfest-Frigeri Was he close with any of his family (beyond his wife)?
Kristine M Smith Not particularly. His father was a strict disciplinarian. He adored his mother. By age 18, he was living in Long Beach California, across the continent from his nuclear family–mom, dad, brother Casey and his kids. He rarely got back that way after relocating.
Stephen Sandberg Being a Western lover, I loved the Westerns De was in. Even as a heavy, De seemed likeable.
John Bowersox I always loved De when he wore a cowboy hat. It fit him well.
Beth Wendy Grundfest-Frigeri I noticed that too.
Stephen Sandberg Why didn’t De write his own autobiography like all the other cast?
Kristine M Smith De didn’t write his own autobiography because he felt he couldn’t devote the amount of time it would take to go out into his garage and dig through all his archives. He did give me permission to write it and showed me where all his archival material was, but I turned his bio over to Terry Rioux to write, because I’m an anecdotal writer, not a historian, and I knew that Bill Moyers had complimented Terry on something else she had written, and I wanted his bio to be stellar–something I felt inadequate to deliver. I’m much better as a storyteller/anecdotal writer… Different disciplines entirely!
John Bowersox What kind of TV shows did De like to watch?
Kristine M Smith De was a big history buff. He liked nonfiction stuff: biographies, etc. He also likes ER and Touched By An Angel. One time he asked AC Lyles why A&E wouldn’t do an hour long BIOGRAPHY episode on him as they had on Shatner and Nimoy–just curious, you know–and AC told him, “De, you’re too boring! You’ve been married to the same wife forever, you don’t have any bad habits or peculiarities that are newsworthy…” De just laughed. Actors who don’t cause “newsworthy” ruckuses in some way or another don’t get a lot of media attention! Have you noticed? Kinda sad, really…
John Bowersox That is why I liked De. He was reserved. He kept to himself. As Leonard said De didn’t like to toot his own horn.
Stephen Sandberg I have met all the original cast members at conventions. Jimmy Doohan kept my young daughter on his knee during most of the meet and greet. He took a shine to the then 10 year old lassie. The one cast member who I felt had De’s same kindness and openness when I met him, was George Takei. He still is an incredible man. Did De ever mention Uncle George?
Kristine M Smith He sometimes commented on George’s “crazy laugh” which, if you’ve ever heard it, is an apt statement. To me, it sounds like a seal in heat! (LOVE YOU UNCLE GEORGE!!!) De wrote in one of his poems…George still has that crazy laugh that cost him his job on the mayor’s staff…
Kristine M Smith Some fans “adopted” Trek stars to “re-parent them” if they grew up in dysfunctional families. A gal in Denver had. After she told everyone in the audience the story, she asked De if she could give him a hug. He held out his arms and said, “You certainly may. Come to papa.” And he meant it. And there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. Magic.
John Bowersox Wow! That is an amazing story
Kristine M Smith Ya know, as De/Jimmy/Leonard/Trek fans, we have the capacity to do the same for someone, to “pay it forward.” I try to do that every time I’m out and about talking about him (or any other time!).
John Bowersox Good. Pay it forward for De and for everyone
Kristine M Smith You never know when you might the only person standing between someone and suicide. Everyone wants to feel celebrated, not just tolerated (or worse still, ignored).
John Bowersox De did ever like to play any sports?
Kristine M Smith I saw him in photos with a tennis racket one time. Other than that, I have no insights on that. I don’t think he ever mentioned sports teams much except to fans he knew were really into them…
John Bowersox Since he liked to do gardening. What did he like to plant?
Kristine M Smith He had a “gazillion” rosebushes at his place (front and back). He had a camellia bush near his front door. I am SOOOO not a botanist that the other names escape me! He gave me some plants, too. Carolyn told me where to re-plant them if I made a mistake (easy for me to do, being more critter-oriented than plant-oriented) and put a shade plant in a sunny spot, and vice versa.
John Bowersox Did De like Star Wars?
Kristine M Smith I think so although he was never a huge sci-fi fan…. He started several of his poems with… “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…” I know George Lucas and company loved Star Trek. At the 25th anniversary celebration at the shrine auditorium, Darth Vader appeared on stage to give Gene Roddenberry a special message: “If not for Star Trek, there never would have been a Star Wars.” Accolade!
Marian Owen Bieniek Re: De’s favorite foods: I remember reading in a Trek book by Joan Winston and Sondra Marshak that De loved toast made inside the oven instead of the toaster!
Kristine M Smith There you go! Thanks, Marian, fellow De historian!
Marian Owen Bieniek I don’t take that compliment lightly! Thanks, Kris!
Kristine M Smith It wasn’t given lightly! You ROCK!
John Bowersox I read a story that Bob Picardo who played the doctor on Voyager. He asked if he wanted to appear on Voyager. De couldn’t get the insurance from the studio. De and Bob did meet one time.
Kristine M Smith De and Bob met on stage in Sacramento. I was there and witnessed it.
Marian Owen Bieniek I know you “disappeared” whenever Shatner visited De, but do you think he was a pretty good friend to him?
Kristine M Smith De was a good friend to everyone he knew. He said on stage one time when asked about Shatner, “I love Bill. I’ve had to straighten his ass out a time or two, but I love him.” And he did. I heard him say it to Bill on the phone. He didn’t use the term lightly…
Marian Owen Bieniek A kind man.
Kristine M Smith Salt of the earth… absolutely! In trying to capture his essence in words, as close as I can come to it is that he was a kind of spiritual master in the same way many people think of the Dalai Lama, Buddha, Jesus and others. Although he wasn’t what I’d call “religious” in so many words, he was definitely spiritual in that he beheld others as “the beloved”. He exuded “grace” (unmerited favor) from every pore. If you ever met him you know exactly what I’m talking about. You can even see it in a lot of his interviews on YouTube.
Marian Owen Bieniek It comes through in his McCoy character, despite how crusty he is. He isn’t just a doctor; he cares deeply for the total welfare of his patients.
Kristine M Smith Yes, it does. Roddenberry originally envisioned McCoy as an L H Mencken type (even the initials are the same–Leonard H McCoy!–similar to what you saw when John Hoyt portrayed the role in the pilot) — but Kelley’s essence “tamed” Bones so that he became a lovable curmudgeon, not a “bludgeon curmudgeon.” De’s McCoy was more like Mark Twain’s comment at the end of his life: “People call me a pessimist in my old age, but I’m not. I am an OPTIMIST who did not arrive.” McCoy has a heart of god crusted over by disappointments, a failed marriage, and tragedies.
Nancy Warner Vance I noticed in numerous head shots he wore an old looking rectangular watch. In later years, it appears the same watch went from stretch band to leather to gold. Was this perhaps his father’s watch?
Kristine M Smith The only adornment he kept on him from a parent (as far as I know) was from his mother, Clora. He wore her ring on his pinky finger–a ring Clora’s brother had won in a card game while fighting in France in WWI. He wore it from the time she died (mid-50’s) to shortly before the end of his life when he was too thin to feel confident that it would stay on and wouldn’t be lost. When Roddenberry told De he’d have to take it off before the series started filming, De told him, “Then you’ll have to take me off, too.” The ring stayed–and aren’t we all grateful that Gene honored this homage to his mother. She always believed in and supported his career. (Sadly, she didn’t live long enough to see him make it big in Star Trek.)
Nancy Warner Vance I think he wore it to represent his love and commitment to his family values, including Carolyn, since he wore a wedding ring regularly on film and photos until he replaced it with his pinky ring.
Did De have to be careful about his interactions with women because Carolyn was jealous or worried about the many temptations available from notoriety? She seemed independent, but almost needy or possessive at times.
Kristine M Smith Not so much possessive as just worn down, overwhelmed and well aware that she was about to lose the love of her life. She knew she couldn’t help him and yet she had helped him every step of the way until she broke her leg and wound up in the hospital. That had to half-kill her.
Carolyn was conflicted. On the one hand, she knew she had a good thing and was delighted to share him with the world. On the other hand, no wife wants her husband feeling or believing he’s “irresistible”, no matter how well-earned it might be! But she had a rock solid guy at her side, so she risked sharing him with all of us. And because De never had any interest in leaving the love of his life, her very legitimate fears were sadly wasted… and I always wished she knew that. Her upbringing left her feeling like “excess baggage,” which he was well aware of, so he made sure she always knew she was his treasure. He left her notes, called her often while at work, and would not meet fans alone (without Carolyn being present). He said one time at a convention (this is in my book), “And in Hollywood, you have to be awful lucky, too, to stay married because if you don’t go hide, they’ll kill you!” (Some fans either want that notch in their belt or long so diligently to be loved the way he loved his wife that not having it was painful.)
Marian Owen Bieniek Interesting, sounds like he was the right man for a woman who needed a lot of reassurance.
Nancy Warner Vance Good answer. What in her upbringing made her feel like excess baggage?
Kristine M Smith Carolyn’s parents divorced (unheard of in those days). She adored her dad but he was a miner in Montana (with a rugged reputation) so his mother took her to Seattle. (Carolyn was born in Ely, Nevada, BTW.) Her mother, from what I learned, was a tyrant–un-satisfiable (that isn’t a word but you know what I mean). Carolyn’s mom farmed her out to a Catholic boarding school–didn’t even bring her home during summertime (although most of the kids went home during the summer). When she did get home, on rare occasion, her mom would go off to work with directions to “clean the house while I’m gone”–and then would come back, inspect Carolyn’s housecleaning from floor to ceiling, and then reach to an overhead railing or something that still had dust on it and proclaim her a failure as a housekeeper. Stuff like that.
Nancy Warner Vance Sad
Kristine M Smith Very sad. Tragic, in fact…
Q&A Session DeForest Kelley Remembrance June 11, 2016
Ldt Arturo Diaz Macias How did De feel about his scene in TNG?
Kristine M Smith De was hesitant at first to do it, but after he read the script for it, and found out that D.C. Fontana had written it for him and that Roddenberry really wanted him to do it to “pass the torch” in some way, he agreed to do it for them…and insisted on being paid ONLY scale (the least amount possible). Then there was the 4:30 a.m. makeup call to get him ready to look 137 years old. He was told he’d be through with the scene by noon.Noon came and went…he ate lunch through a straw …and waited and waited and waited some more. Finally, about five p.m. Richard Arnold reported that De had had enough (although he said that it was impossible to tell De was pissed unless you knew him very, very well, as he never telegraphed his displeasure in an overbearing or unpleasant way). He told whoever was in charge that he wanted to go home, and was going home, so they responded by hopping to it and filmed his scene very shortly thereafter. So you’re looking at a man in that scene whose gentleness and demeanor had been sorely tested not long before. Amazing, isn’t it?
Mary Elizabeth Doman Why did they make him wait so long? How did he feel about the makeup job they did on him?
Kristine M Smith I’m not sure why it took so long. Technical difficulties at first, I imagine? Richard didn’t say, that I recall. He wasn’t real pleased with the makeup job, as he imagined that a 137-year old man, by the century he was supposed to be in, wouldn’t look as old as he did–that cosmetic advances would have ensured that he still looked like a younger version of himself…
Greg Barton Did De enjoy cars? I knew he loved his Ford him and Carolyn had and if memory serves, he once tried to become a car sales person when he first moved to Cali.
Kristine M Smith De commiserated mightily for years after parting ways with his powder blue 1968 Ford Thunderbird. It began to be untrustworthy in the late 80’s just as De and Carolyn started needing very reliable transportation to get them to doctor appointments and the like and they couldn’t count on it to start for them reliably, so they very reluctantly traded it in on a Lexus in — I want to say 1990, but maybe 1989, because I think it was a 1990 or 1991 model. That’s the vehicle I drove him around in except for the one time I rescued him from a doctor appointment visit when hospital transportation wasn’t available to take him home. Then I transported him in the little red car that the Kelley’s bought for me (by stealth! That story is in the book!)…along with the transportation coordinator and De’s wheelchair! It was a tight fit, but it worked! He never mentioned other vehicles they’d owned, so I don’t know if he was car crazy. All I know is he was crazy about HIS cars! He took great care of them. They always looked like they just drove off the showroom floor! There’s a funny story about his California Car Duster in the book!
De and Leonard got their cars the same year, and De drove his into Leonard’s on the lot accidentally one time when he was leaving and didn’t realize his tires were turned. THAT made the news on the lot: Spock McCoy Feuding again? HA HA HA HA HA
Greg Barton Spock and McCoy trading insurance details would have been hilariously interesting to see. I know De’s Thunderbird was recently up for sale.
http://www.dailyturismo.com/…/10k-real-mccoy-1968-ford…
Heather Brown If you’re able to narrow it down to your top three favorite memories of him, what would they be?
Kristine M Smith I guess the trip to Shamabala so they could meet Deaken for the first time and then the follow-up visit to their home for the first time (that same day) so Sue and I could meet Myrtle, the Kelley’s octogenarian turtle (actually, desert tortoise). Then the time in the Lexus when FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE came on and what transpired between us there… convention antics…and then the funny stuff in the hospital, which revealed that he laughed, lived and joked every day that was possible in his life!
Valesa Loa Stout I loved the cowboy films he was in. Do you think if he was still around would he take on a western character again?
Kristine M Smith He wanted to do Lonesome Dove but was committed to Star Trek when it filmed. He wanted to another western, too , but again, he was contractually obligated to Trek. He loved playing heavies/bad ass cowboys. It was his only chance to really chew up the scenery and get out of his own “good guy” brain!!
Valesa Loa Stout I bet he would have lived to work opposite John Wayne. Who/ what were his Fav. Western shows? Mine was Roy Rogers. 🙂
Kristine M Smith His first favorite motion picture cowboy was Tom Mix (during the silent era; De was born in 1920, so he was at least a generation older than most of his fans). He appeared in several Lone Rangers, in Rawhide, Bat Masterson, several Bonanzas and in a lot of other westerns, but no Roy Rogers ones that I know of. (I loved Roy Rogers, too!) He loved doing the Bonanza episodes; he had a lot of great stories about making TV with the Bonanza boys–one of them R-rated!
Mary Elizabeth Doman I don’t remember him ever doing any ‘Twilight Zone’ episodes, like Shatner and Nimoy did. Any particular reason why? Did he regret not saying ‘yes’ to Spielberg?
Kristine M Smith I don’t know why he didn’t do any TZ. And he regretted to the end of his life not saying “yes” to Spielberg. He mentioned that to me. The exchange is in the book…
John Bowersox What was his favorite scene in Star Trek IV? That’s my favorite film of Star Trek it’s a fun film. There’s no villain there’s a lot of laugh. It’s just was a blast for everyone.
Kristine M Smith Not sure but he did mention the scene where he’s trying to find out from Spock what it felt like to die, and Spock gave him the answer. And he ad-libbed that last line (“I don’t doubt it..”) and the producer kept it in because it got such a big laugh out of the cast and crew…
John Bowersox Did De ever have trouble dealing with the massive amount of fan mail? Also was he nervous meeting fans in person?
Kristine M Smith De and Carolyn handled his fan mail from his home. One time I suggested “automating” it — writing a form letter–because I saw the stacks of mail he was receiving. He adamantly refused, saying, “If someone takes the time to write to me, I’m going to read what they send and respond personally…or at least send an autographed photo…” He was the full meal deal: a thoughtful, appreciative human being… He wasn’t nervous meeting fans. He was shy but not nervous (unless he got seriously crowded; one time he was almost crushed, so that scared him!) He was nervous the first few moments on stage, but quickly settled when he saw how the fans loved and responded to anything and everything he did. One to one or in small groups, he didn’t seem nervous at all when meeting fans.
Rod Janpol He really took his time with me when I first met him! And there were quite a few people on line behind me! I got that he really wanted to be there and loved the fans!
Kristine M Smith He did, or he wouldn’t have been there! He loved meeting his fans, truly… He surely didn’t need the money! He wanted to meet and thank his REAL employers–HIS fans!
John Bowersox I wish more actors were like that Kristine. Did De ever dislike wearing some of the Star Trek uniforms? Some of the look pretty uncomfortable lol.
Kristine M Smith He called the first uniform (TV) his “jammies” — short for pajamas!
I didn’t hear about the comfort level of some of the other uniforms, but one was so form-fitting that you could “discern a man’s religion in them”!
John Bowersox Ha ha ha I love it. I know the cast on TNG hated them.
Annie J. Kyrillian I have two questions here: 1# Did he have any close special friendship with any of the other main actors (Shatner, Nimoy, Takei..) on the set or behind the camera during the original series or later movies? 2# Has he ever been to a Star Trek convention in Germany?
Kristine M Smith De enjoyed friendships with the entire cast. He was one of the cast members adored by all–cast, crew, everyone with whom he came into contact. He embraced people with his heart, mind and soul. De never made it to a convention in Germany. (He was invited to one by JG Herzler but he was too ill by then to attend; he did write him a nice letter declining and got one in return from JG saying McCoy was his favorite Star Trek character.) He attended one in the UK and made appearances in Australia, but I’m not sure the Australian visits were convention-oriented. It was a press junket.
Jonathan Gleich Just an addition, he was a very quiet and private person, who gave 100% of himself to everyone he met.
Kristine M Smith Exactly!
Antje Reitler I read that in his cowboy days, De did all his stunts himself and he looked great on horseback. Where did he learn to ride like that? And did he love horses?
Kristine M Smith A dear friend and WW II-era aviatrix, Aileen Pickering, taught him to ride within days after he landed a job as a cowboy for the first time. They asked, “Can you ride?” He said, “You bet I can ride.” “OK, you got the job!” He called Aileen right away and she gave him the lessons that helped him land the rest of his cowboy movie and TV career. I don’t know if he loved horses, per se, but I know he loved most animals, so my best guess is yes! He wasn’t raised around horses or mules, as so many of his generation were, but you can see how well he sat a saddle. Yes, he did do his own stunts. I saw a big bruise on the back of his hand near his thumb while they were filming The Undiscovered Country and asked him how it happened. He said simply, “Oh, a stunt man kicked me…” Michael Landon doubled him one time because he begged to. Paramount had to sign off on it, because Michael was under contract for Bonanza and AC Lyles wouldn’t allow it unless they signed off on it in case Michael got hurt. Another time, a big German Shepherd bit him during a TV show. When he tried to recover the costs of his injuries (he had to see a doctor), the people in charge said no. De offered that he’d sue them, then, and they said, “If you do, you’ll never work another day in this industry.” So he sucked it up and took the loss on the job. The only time he was doubled, as far as I know, was when Michael did it…
Kristine M Smith Having my brain picked like this really trips my synapses and reminds me of things I wouldn’t be able to dredge up on my own. Thanks!
John Bowersox Well since you knew De for decades it’s hard to remember every single detail.
Antje Reitler In one convention video on youTube from 87, De really turned on his charm and asked Lilly Tomlin on stage to do a bit of her telephone routine. Then the video ends. Do you know if she did it and what De think of it? Was he a fan of hers?
Kristine M Smith It wasn’t really Lily Tomlin. It was a fan who could nail it, and he knew she could so he pulled one on the entire audience. He never let on that she wasn’t really Lily, so several fans came up to her afterward and asked for her autograph and told her how much they enjoyed her career!
Antje Reitler haha That’s awesome. There is a very cute photo of De in his Star Trek uniform, holding a gun the wrong way around, pretending not to know what it is. I guess he was goofing around on set of ‘Spectre of the Gun’. Do you know anything about it?
Kristine M Smith That’s exactly what it was. He did that as if pretending he’d never used a gun before–even though he’d been playing heavies for most of his life up until Star Trek. I did a spoof on his spoof when I was at WB on their Laramie Street set (long since torn down) Here it is:
Antje Reitler Did De see that photo?
Kristine M Smith Yes. It’s a plastic gun. He was glad of that! When HE played dumb, he knew to keep the business end away from his face! (So did I, had it been a real gun. I was shot by a blank while we were rehearsing a play in high school, with the gun held to my back, and it knocked me down and gave me a backache for a number of months. The gun wielder didn’t know how dangerous a blank could. be. He HAD been thinking of holding it to his head and “pretending” to commit suicide, so it’s a good thing he shot me first. I’m just glad he didn’t shoot into my spine or I would have been paralyzed!)